End of Eternity 2 Page 5

  “What happened to my baby?” I ask the doctor. “Can I see her?”

  “I am so sorry, Miss Winters. She wasn’t strong enough to be born yet. Her lungs were severely underdeveloped, and our attempts to keep her alive failed. She only weighed one pound and two ounces.”

  I press my lips together tightly, trying to conceal my emotion.

  “Your insurance didn’t cover all the medical care we were required to provide to you and your baby,” the doctor explains. “Luckily, Mr. West over here has paid the rest of your medical bills out of pocket.”

  Glancing at Brad, I nod in thanks. I feel like I should speak, but I am afraid that I will cry.

  “Unfortunately, I have some more bad news that I need to share with you,” the doctor says, clearing his throat. “Are you okay with having Mr. West in the room, or do you prefer privacy?”

  “I can leave,” Brad says, turning toward the door.

  “No, please,” I tell him softly, reaching for his wrist. “Stay here. I need you with me.”

  Brad nods and looks at the doctor, waiting to hear his proclamation. I stare at them both with rising anxiety as I hold my breath.

  “It seems that your body has been damaged from this birth, Miss Winters. It looks like you will never be able to conceive a child again.”

  My whole body feels frozen solid. “What?” I say with disbelief. “No.”

  “Yes. I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you, Miss Winters. Your body wasn’t well built for having children to begin with—it seems like you have a rather weak cervix, and a lot of scar tissue from endometriosis. But this birth took a toll on your reproductive system that simply isn’t reversible. I’m sorry.”

  I clench my fists so tightly that my nails dig into my palm. I can feel tears building up behind my eyes, but I turn away and try to resist the urge to bawl in front of this stranger. “Thanks,” I say brusquely. “Can I go now?”

  “We need to keep you under observation for a few more hours, and then you’ll be free to leave.”

  “Okay,” I say in a low hiss. My pain is quickly turning to anger. I want to blame someone. I want to blame this doctor for fucking up. I want to grab him by the throat and throttle him. I can’t believe I trusted my child’s life in the hands of these people. But then again, I couldn’t even trust my child’s life to be safe within my own body. My fists are still clenched so tightly that I believe I might draw blood. I can’t seem to calm down or unclench them.

  “Carmen,” Brad says softly, moving to my side. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Excuse me,” says the callous doctor as he leaves the room. “I have to check up on another patient.”

  When Brad touches me, a sob breaks through my chest and shakes my shoulders. I wrap both of my arms around my middle in despair.

  I’m never going to have a baby.

  This was my one chance, and I blew it. My whole body is quivering with this horrible realization. It is sinking in slowly and burning my insides like I have just guzzled a gallon of acid. All my organs are disintegrating, inch by inch, as my hopes and dreams implode.

  “Is there anything I can do to make this better?” Brad asks me softly. “Anything at all?”

  “Yes,” I say angrily. “You can help me get the hell out of this place. I need to go home. Please take me home.”

  “Don’t you want to wait until they discharge you, Carmen?”

  “No. I don’t give a fuck about this hospital and its rules anymore. I need to get the hell out of here.”

  “Okay,” Brad says gently, offering me his arm to help me off the bed. “I’ll do whatever you need, Carmen. You can count on me.”

  “Thank you,” I say, ripping the IV drip out of my arm. I use Brad for support as I carefully rise to my feet. For some reason, the little blanket with the ducklings is still clutched tightly in my fist. I am not sure why—I guess I feel like it is the only thing that my daughter ever really owned. Even if for a minute, she might have seen the blanket and got some joy from the cheerful and colorful print.

  Sighing, I wrap the hospital gown more tightly around my body. My abdomen and back feel sore, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to walk. Even taking a single step seems like an insurmountable challenge at the moment. But I don’t care.

  “Find my clothes,” I order Brad. “Do I have clothes?”

  “I don’t think so,” he says quietly. “When we found you, you were wearing a nightgown that was soaked in blood.”

  “Whatever. Then I’ll just walk out of here like this,” I say with frustration. “Are you going to stay with me tonight, Brad?”

  “I will,” he says softly. “But you know that I have to leave in the morning to go to Detroit.”

  “Detroit?” I ask in confusion as I try to get my bearings. Then I remember. He intends to make the trip to give Grayson’s ashes to his mother. “Couldn’t you please wait a little, until I’m well enough to travel with you?”

  “I can’t. I told you that I normally work on the weekends too. Even booking this weekend off work is costing me valuable time with my clients. I really can’t put this trip off any longer, or it might take months before I can make it. I don’t want to dishonor Grayson’s memory like that.”

  Shaking my head, I study him with disgust. “I can’t believe you, Brad. My husband just died. I just lost my baby and learned that I can never have children. You say you’re going to be there for me, but you’re just going to take off in the morning? You’re a liar.”

  “I swear to you, Carmen. This is actually really difficult for me. I never take any time off from work, and even today was difficult. Please try to understand…”

  “Excuse me for going into early labor and having a life-threatening event at an inconvenient time!” I glare daggers at him. “Fuck you, Brad. I’m not in the mood for this. If you’re going to be in my life, you need to fucking be in my life, or get the hell out. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Because if you’re not serious about this? About me? I want you gone. Things are really difficult for me right now and I need someone. If you’re not going to be that person, that’s fine. Stop sending me mixed signals and buying me flowers and jewelry if you’re just going to flake out on what really matters.”

  Brad gulps, and I can see his Adam’s apple moving. He looks at the flowers with dismay, and it seems like he is about to say something. Finally, he turns and collects the vase in his arms with determination. He also grabs the teddy bear. “Okay, Carmen. I’ll cancel my plane ticket and spend the weekend with you. You’re right. Taking care of you and helping you get better is my number one priority at the moment. I’m not going to put anything above you.”

  I am so relieved to hear him say this. “Thank you,” I say gratefully, clasping my hand around his arm. “It means so much to me. I promise I won’t lean on you so much once my dad gets home.”

  “You can lean on me for as long as you like,” Brad promises. “Things are going to get better, Carmen. We’ve had a really bad week, but it can only go up from here. Once we get to your place, maybe we can relax and watch some movies, and order in some take-out. I could even try cooking for you, if you’d like that. Just a few days of some R&R, and I’m sure you’ll be back to your old self in no time.”

  “I’m sure you’re right,” I say softly.

  Chapter Eight

  I have been lying in bed for two days, unable to do anything. Brad has been waiting on me hand and foot, and taking care of everything around the house. He even had my car returned home from the funeral home where I had left it days ago, but I don’t think I’ll be able to drive for a while. He has also been cooking nutritious meals for me and putting funny movies on the TV in my room. I haven’t been well enough to eat the meals, but I have tried to pick at them to get some nutrition. It’s also been challenging to pay attention to what’s happening on the screen.

  I do like the background noise, and listening to the sound of other human voices. I can sometimes hear a sentence here and t
here, and I think about how it sounds like something Grayson would have said. Sometimes I wonder whether my daughter would have sounded like the girls in these movies. Happy, bitchy, sad, excited, in love. She will never get a chance to experience any of that.

  After spending so many months looking forward to my baby’s birth, I can’t really begin to cope with how devastating this has been. Part of the reason I am lying in bed and trying not to do much of anything is that I am afraid of what I would do if I were to try to do anything. I am angry, furious, miserable, exhausted, and completely out of my mind. Even though Brad is staying in the bed with me, cuddling me and talking to me at regular intervals, I am still more focused on the ghosts in my head than the man who is in front of me.

  I just can’t get rid of this sickening feeling that something is missing.

  Now that I’m not pregnant anymore, I’m terrified of what I might do to myself. Now that I can never get pregnant again, I’m even more afraid. I am feeling these strange urges that I used to get as a rebellious teenager. I want to drink myself into oblivion, or go drag racing. I want to do drugs or go to a sex club and have random sex with lots of strangers. I just want to do anything it takes to forget this.

  What is left for me now? What do I do with my life? I can never have a family.

  There is no reason to be good.

  I have often wondered about how my sister and father are doing, but I haven’t had the energy to pick up my phone and call them. I am sure that they are both better off not speaking to me in my current condition anyway. I am afraid that I might be rude or cruel or distant. I might be selfish and focus on my own problems instead of theirs. I don’t want to be any of these things. I would rather just separate myself from them until I can be my usual cheerful self again.

  But when will that be? Will that ever be?

  I don’t even know what the point of my existence is anymore. I’m useless as a woman. I don’t have anyone to take care of—no one depends on me. Now that my father is reconciled with Helen, I am sure that she can take care of him the way I have been for the past few years. My sister doesn’t really need me anymore; she has Liam. I just feel a freak gust of wind has just sent me spiraling up into the air, untethered and stripped of all purpose. For the longest while, I clung to the joyous idea of having a family. How am I supposed to go on without even the hope or prospect of children? And grandchildren? And birthdays and holidays together? Warm and cozy Thanksgivings and Christmas?

  Sure, maybe Grayson never really loved me. Maybe I was just a responsibility to him. But my children would have loved me. They would have made my life worthwhile. They would have given me a reason to be a better person. A reason to wake up in the morning. They would have been all the things that I could never be, and they would have done all the things I was never brave enough to do. I would have poured all my love into them, and given them all the nurturing and attention humanly possible.

  We would have been happy. That was the plan.

  Now what do I have?

  “Carmen,” Brad says gruffly as he stirs beside me. He puts his arm over me and places a kiss on my shoulder. “How are you feeling, love?”

  “I’m fine,” I answer automatically as I stare at the wall. I have been curled up in a ball for what feels like dozens of hours.

  “You didn’t eat your pasta,” he says gently, moving his arm over the side of my body. “Is it not good? I can try to cook something else. What do you feel like? I can make a great western omelet. I can also make steak, but I’m not sure if you are ready for that.”

  “I don’t need anything right now, Brad,” I tell him softly. “Thank you for asking.”

  “You have to eat,” he tells me, placing kisses along my neck. He wraps an arm around my waist and plasters his body against my back. “You’ve barely eaten since we got home from the hospital. And it doesn’t seem like you are enjoying any of the movies I’ve chosen. Do you want to choose them?”

  “I like your movies,” I tell him quietly. “It’s just hard to pay attention when I have so much going on inside my head.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks me as he runs his hand over my hip and thigh. “I’m here to listen.”

  “How do I begin to talk about this?” I ask him blankly. “My whole life just shattered into smithereens. What’s the cure for that?”

  “Let’s make a new life,” he tells me, placing a kiss against my earlobe. “You need to focus on what you have instead of what you’ve lost. You have me. I’ll do anything for you, Carmen. I’ll do anything to make you happy. Just tell me what you want, and you’ll have it.”

  I am quiet for a long moment. “I just want to go back in time and change this. I want to stay at home that day, and stay by Grayson’s side. I want him to be okay. I want him to be here with me. I want to go back to last week. I want my daughter to be alive, still growing in my belly. I want to have all my dreams back.”

  “You can have new dreams, Carmen. Let’s make one. Come on, tell me something you’ve always wanted to do. Something you’ve always dreamed of. Let’s make it happen.”

  “I dreamed of having a family.”

  “You still have your father and your sister,” Brad reminds me. “I called your dad earlier, and he said that Helen’s doing a lot better. He’s on his way home and he’ll be here tonight. If family is what you need, then you will soon have that.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “What about your sister? Maybe someday she’ll have children. You might not be able to be a mother, but you could be an aunt! Wouldn’t that be nice?”

  Oh god. This man just has no idea. I bury my face deeply in my J-shaped pillow—I am still using my pregnancy pillow for some reason—and I try to calm my erratic breathing. My sister is better than me in almost every way. Here is yet another thing that she can excel at where I have failed. Of course, I’d be overjoyed to be an aunt to her children. But how is that even close to the experience of being a mother?

  “Come on, Carmen. Cheer up,” Brad says lightly. “All you have to do is think of one pleasant thing to look forward to in the future, and you can start to get past these doldrums. Can you do that for me?”

  “Doldrums?” I repeat in disbelief.

  “I’m not trying to lessen your suffering, Carmen. I just want you to get better. I can’t stand seeing you like this. You’re such a bright, beautiful woman and you deserve to be happy.”

  “I can’t be happy for you, Brad. Not right now. If you can’t stand being around me when I’m like this, then I suggest you leave.”

  “One thing, Carmen. Just tell me one thing that you want—one thing that you dream about, that you would love to make come true.”

  “I already told you,” I say softly, digging my face into the pillow. “I just want my husband back.”

  “Why?” Brad says angrily, grabbing my shoulder and turning me over to face him. “Why the hell are you stuck on that man? What makes him the man of your dreams?”

  I look at Brad through tearful eyes. “What do you mean? He was my husband…”

  “But other than that,” Brad says harshly. “What did you really see in him? The man was a bastard, Carmen. In every sense of the word. He came from nothing, and he ended up going to nothing. He was worthless.”

  I can’t bear to hear Grayson spoken of like this, and I push Brad away angrily. My blood pressure is rising, and it is causing my head and heart to ache. I am too weak for this kind of anger, but I can’t resist being angry anyway. “What the hell do you know? You didn’t see the side of him that I knew. Grayson was a good man. He was my man.”

  “He was fucked up in the head! You’re lucky, Carmen. You’re lucky that you didn’t have that monster’s deformed child. Your child would have been fucked up in the head, too. Just like him.”

  Before I can stop myself, my hand is flying outward and hitting Brad across the face. My chest heaves with anger as I sit up in bed, staring at him furiously. “Get out of my room. Get out of m
y house.”

  “No,” he says firmly. He reaches out to grab my arm in his powerful grip. “There’s something I need to show you first.”

  “Let go of me!” I hiss. I try to pull away, but he is too strong and I am currently too weakened. Tears course down my face as I struggle against him, but he steps off the bed and drags me to my feet.

  “Calm down, Carmen. You can’t stay in bed all day and night, wasting away over a man you didn’t even know. Just because he tossed his life away, doesn’t mean that you have to toss yours away too. You need to see him for what he really was.”

  “I know what he was!” I yell, hitting Brad in the chest. “I know everything. I know what he did to my sister. It doesn’t change how I feel about him. Don’t you understand that? Love is like that. You can’t just change how you feel about someone. It’s so deeply embedded in you that it won’t listen to reason. You can’t stop loving or missing someone just because they did all kinds of horrible shit.”

  “I think I can change your mind.”

  With an iron grasp on my arm, Brad drags me out of my bedroom. I can do nothing other than follow him. I am far more angry than I am afraid, and a decent chunk of that anger is directed toward myself for being too weak to fight back. I let Brad drag me all the way down the corridor until we reach the stairs leading up to the attic.

  “I don’t want to see it,” I tell him furiously. “Whatever it is, it’s none of your business. Grayson’s life was his life—our life. You were his friend, but you’re not mine. You’re just a stranger. Stop interfering where…”

  “Shut up, Carmen. Just go up the damn stairs,” he says, shoving me forward like I am a petulant child.

  I couldn’t even say the last time I ventured up into our attic. The staircase is narrow and rickety, and it’s dark and musky. It was fun to play up here as a child, catching spiders and hunting out ancient secrets that were stored away from previous generations, but it has little use to a busy adult. I am annoyed at Brad as he pushes me up the creaking wood, and I cough as the dust enters my lungs. Cobwebs are stretched and broken across my face as he pushes me forward, and I can feel their stickiness clinging to my eyelashes.